


With You, I Know Nothing.

by blerg



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Angry Ben Solo, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Please be nice, Secret Identity, Soft Kylo Ren, Songwriting, What even is my tagging, this is my first fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29634672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blerg/pseuds/blerg
Summary: “What’s— Do you two know each other?”Kylo was having trouble keeping his eyes in one place. They would flit from Rey’s face, to the equipment, to somewhere on the loading dock, and back. All signs were pointing towards a hasty exit, but neither of them moved.A single tear dropped to the floor.“Uhm,” her voice was thick and uncontrolled, “Rose, this is my coworker, Ben. Ben Solo”Oh, fuck.Ben.Or:  Rey finds out her horrible, rude, and annoyingly handsome co-worker and senior editor, Ben Solo, is also her favorite musician, Kylo Ren. And he's been writing a lot of heart-breakingly beautiful songs about her.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	1. It's not fine.

Rose shifted her focus between her best friend and the lead singer of her latest musical obsession, The Knights of Ren. The pair looked besotted, yet so uncomfortable, like either one of them could vomit at any moment. Kylo, bless him, was clenching and unclenching his fist, while Rey was just standing there. Her mouth was agape and based on the tightened rise and fall of her chest, she knew her roommate was barely breathing. 

It wasn’t until Rose looked more closely at her face that she saw the glistening, tell-tale sign of tears that were about to spill over. Rose didn’t reach for her until she saw Rey’s lower lip trembling. 

“What’s— Do you two know each other?”

Kylo was having trouble keeping his eyes in one place. They would flit from Rey’s face, to the equipment, to somewhere on the loading dock, and back. All signs were pointing towards a hasty exit, but neither of them moved.

A single tear dropped to the floor. 

Rey tried to catch it, thinking the swipe would be quick enough for no one to notice, but Rose knew better. She knew her best friend rarely showed emotion, especially an emotion that resulted in tears. From the corner of her eye, she could see Kylo flinch. His knuckles were white with restraint. 

“Uhm,” her voice was thick and uncontrolled, “Rose, this is my coworker, Ben. Ben Solo”

Oh, fuck. 

_Ben._

* * * * *

It was only 9:30 in the morning and she could _already_ hear the shouting. 

About three months ago, Leia, the fierce leader and CEO of Rebel Alliance Publishing, made the mistake of bringing on a senior editor that had a habit of… outbursts. 

He was brash and petulant, and every time he looked at Rey— if he even bothered, his left eye twitched. If he disagreed with a team member, you could hear it three floors down. If a project was delayed or a contract fell through, the cleaning crew would simply wait outside his office to dispose of the broken glass and crumbled drywall. 

Rey had been a literary agent for the last six months, and a part time copywriter for Rebel before that, but her interactions with him seemed to be the worst. Most of her coworkers received small bursts of verbal humiliation, which they all seemed to recover from within the hour, while she got cold, bitter silence. It sent chills up and down her spine, the way he would stare at her with his honey and pine speckled eyes, and a thumb rubbing back and forth over his top lip. When she asked around she found out that he only reacted that way with her, which led her to believe that not only did he hate Rey’s manuscripts, he hated _her_.

Needless to say, she took it personally.

No matter how many hours she invested in a new client, or how late she stayed to write convenient summaries for him, she would leave his office with nothing but those cold stares. 

Every rejected book and silent berating was chipping away at her resolve. 

It also didn’t help that he was Leia’s son, Ben. 

On his first day, Rey just _knew_ that he would ruin her. Leia had called a company meeting to introduce all of the team members at the same time, and Rey had been unfortunate enough to sit in the chair closest to his, at the very front of the room. He sauntered in with his perfect, fitted suit, his perfect, broad shoulders, and his _perfect, fucking face_ , and everything she had ever known about men was suddenly inconsequential compared to him.

Leia encouraged every team member to stand up and introduce themselves, and because Rey was seated next to Ben, she was destined to go last. His face had been, at best, indifferent with her coworkers introductions. When it came time for Rey to stand up and speak, a mask had slipped over his features. He clenched his jaw and tilted his head down ever so slightly, so that his eyes became hooded and lips formed a thin line. She could have sworn she heard a slight growl bubbling in his chest, but when she looked around, no one else seemed to notice. 

Looking back, she tried to think of something, _anything_ , that would have pissed him off or caused him to have such a feral reaction towards her. But she never figured it out. She spent the first month just trying to schedule a meeting with him.

And everyday since, she felt smaller and smaller. 

Today was supposed to be different though. She and Rose had plans to see a show after work. She had even chosen to wear her favorite outfit so that she wouldn’t have to go home and change. A pair of sheer, brown tights, under her tightest, black leather dress with a pair of platform docs. Though the sleeves were missing and the hem was a little too high above her knees, the neckline was saintly and modest. 

Rey was willing to risk a disapproving look from HR for this outfit. 

They spent weeks talking about the infamous Knights of Ren. Well… Rose did anyway. Their music was soft and intimate, but powerful and emotional. Like The Foo Fighters and Bon Iver had a deeply emotional baby. On more than one occasion, Rey had come home to her roommate lying on the living room floor with a bottle of wine and fat, ugly tears carelessly rolling down her face. 

_“He has so much love to give, and all he can think about is her.”_

_“Reeeyyy, Kylo Ren is in pain. Why doesn’t she love him back?”_

_“I would love him. I would marry him. I would have his babies. They’d have chubby cheeks and dark hair and they’d probably all grow up to be Nobel Prize winners or some shit like that.”_

Which led Rey to respond with the usual, _“Rose, sweetie, are you listening to me? Because I need you to hear this very clearly.”_ A bleary eyed Rose would set down her bottle of wine and wipe the snot away from her nose. _“You have never met this man, nor have you ever seen what he looks like. It’s a little too early to be fantasizing about your future children.”_

And that is what prompted them to be the first in line to buy tickets for their exclusive live performance tonight. It was a rare thing for them to perform live and apparently you were kicked out if you were caught recording or taking photos, hence the lack of internet stalking on Rose’s part. Some real diva shit. 

Truth be told, Rey’s childhood hadn’t really given her a good perspective on attachments. Seeing Rose fawn all over someone she had never met was a concept that Rey never really understood or attempted herself. The self-preserving side told her that if she never formed attachments to already unattainable things, she couldn’t be disappointed. While the affection-starved side was crippling with loneliness, longing for parents who were never coming back. 

Shortly after the shouting stopped, Leia stepped out of her office and called for Rey to join her and the senior editors. 

Great.

She walked past Leia’s personal assistant, Kaydel, and gave her a pleading look, which was returned with sympathy and a hushed, “good luck.” In the room was Leia, Co-Founder Ben Kenobi, Senior Editor Poe Dameron, and Ben Solo. Once inside, she passed out four copies of her latest discovery with a few, additional reports on the author’s metrics.

Poe gave Rey a reassuring smile from where he was sitting at the back of the room. On his left were Leia and Mr. Kenobi, pulling out their reading glasses to review the first page while Rey set up her presentation. On his right was Ben, hiding his stupid, pouty lips, behind his tightly clasped hands. He was the only one who hadn’t touched the documents yet, and Rey knew from experience that he didn’t intend to, either. He would sit quietly, scoffing every few minutes at maker knows what, and then leave the meeting as soon as the discussions had reached a lull. The prepared documents would remain on Leia’s table and Rey would remain unaffected. 

Which was fine. _Totally fine._

“Alright Rey, show us what you’ve brought us today.”

* * * * *

26 minutes and 13 seconds later, things were absolutely _not fine._

Typically when Rey gave pitches to the editors, they would bob their heads along, interrupt to ask concerned but productive questions, and then open up for discussion. Not every author she presented would be signed, but she would walk away from them knowing she had been heard. 

_Lately_ though, Ben was throwing a wrench into their otherwise perfect agenda.

He would scowl and exhale harshly from the back of the room. He would get up and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. He would scribble aggressively in a notepad. He would sit there and not say a single fucking word for a senior editor with an opinion he’s never been afraid to give, unfortunately. All of his little interruptions were so loud that by the time the meeting was over, everyone had lost all train of thought and been so on edge that they were just desperate to leave the room. 

The icing on the cake today was that Ben took one look at his watch and walked out. Right as she was opening her mouth with her closing line. 

The door not-so-gently slammed behind him on his way out, and Rey’s final words died with his exit. 

“Thank you for this, Rey. You really do bring us some good ones.” 

“Oh, th-thank you, Leia. Did you all have any questions?” She looked around the room and noticed that everyone looked rather deflated, desperate to end their Friday early and get home. Ben certainly took advantage, she thought. 

“No, my dear. That will be all for today. Obi and I will discuss this with Ben and Poe at the top of next week. Have a great weekend, Rey.”

Leia rose from her chair to pat her on the shoulder and give her that sympathetic look she gave everyone when they’d been wronged by her son. It was infuriating and gave no one any comfort, but Rey appreciated the gesture at the moment. 

When she got back to her desk, she counted down the minutes until she could drink away the thought of Ben Solo, and get lost in the voice of Kylo Ren.


	2. Shut up, Hux.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s lovely to meet you Rose and Re— Wait, you said your name was Rey?” He had been staring at Rose rather intently, but the second her friend nodded her head, his eyes snapped up. “Holy shit, _you’re_ Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we gooooo, chapter 2!
> 
> Let me know what you think!! :)

_“Ohmygoddoyouthinkthatshim?”  
“Whatabouthim?”  
“HelookslikeaKylo!”_

Rose was bouncing from one hip to the next while animatedly pointing out every man in the club who looked even remotely pained.

Her attempts to not draw any attention to herself— the ones where she roughly tugged on Rey’s arm and brought her hand up to cover her loud-as-fuck-whispers— were failing miserably. The girl who took their tickets was already rolling her eyes, and because Rose rushed to the front of the crowd, literally everyone could still hear and see her. 

“Rose, honey, I love you. But you have _got_ to chill the eff out.” The lines of her forehead furrowed a bit, and with a pout, she nodded her head to show Rey just how chill she could be. It still wasn’t chill enough for Rey, but deep down she couldn’t deny her best friend’s happiness. “You’re not going to pass out or anything? Like when he finally shows his face, I’m not going to have to stand behind you and catch you, right?”

“Hardy-har, Rey. Just you wait. You’re finally going to put a face to the music that I know you secretly love too, and swoon all over this floor. Maybe _I’ll_ be the one catching you.”

Maybe. 

It would be nice if the divine powers that be gave Rey this one solid and made sure Kylo Ren was just as beautiful as his music: inside _and_ out. 

And if she was _really_ lucky, she might even gain a new star in her nighttime fantasies. Something to fuel her desire for a sweet protector. She could play his music in the dim light of her bedroom. Imagining that he’s laying next to her, his voice is whispering sweet lyrics while his fingers lightly trail along her collar bone, down to her navel, and into the slick crevice of her cu—

“Hey, hey everybody! Welcome to The Empire!” A loud, heavyset man was crossing the stage to speak into their microphone. The flush that was surely spreading across Rey’s face was growing hotter as her daydreams floated away, and her surroundings came crashing back in. “I know you’re all dying to see The Knights of Ren so I’ll make this short.”

Rey tuned him out after that. Still reeling from the smutty path her mind took, she was breathing too heavily and pinching the inside of her palm to get a grip.

If her best friend sensed anything was off, she didn’t say it. 

Until this very moment, Rey had no idea she was just as infatuated with this imaginary man as Rose was. I mean sure, she caught herself crying along every now and then, and sure, she had every single song memorized. But she wasn’t the one jumping up and down like a kid about to meet Santa Claus, was she?

Really, Kylo Ren had turned her deepest fears and insecurities into beautiful poetry. 

When he played, her loudest demons were quiet. 

And when he sang, she didn’t feel alone anymore. 

“We’ve got a great show for you tonight, please welcome The Knights of Ren!” He left the stage and the curtains pulled back. Rose pulled on her arm as she cheered and jumped up and down. 

At the center of the stage, there was a tall, wide-shouldered, mysterious man on a stool, looking down at the strumming of his fingers. Nice, thick fingers. _Jesus, Rey_. Behind him on the left was a bassist as tall as he was, with platinum blond hair and a style so good it would make any woman jealous. Towards the back was a striking redhead, glowing in the red overhead lights, building the percussion with the lead guitarist. And over to the right was a smaller, gentle looking man on the keyboard. It was the oddest bunch of misfits, but the more they played, the more it worked.

Based on the placement of the microphone, Rey could only assume that it was Kylo Ren front and center. The leather jacket he was wearing clung tightly to his shoulders. His boots were ratty, and his jeans had faded knees— from being worn too many times, instead of purchased that way. She liked that. 

But then the lights turned up, and he showed his face.

In the distance, she was aware of the crowd singing along and cheering. Rose was swooning, leaning into Rey as she sang with him. The only sound reaching her ears was his voice. Ben’s voice. One part of her mind was screaming, begging, pleading Rey to be anywhere but here in order to preserve her already broken heart, while the other was melting, breaking, and reforming through every new word that dripped from his mouth. 

If anyone happened to see Rey among the crowd, they’d assume her tears were for the idol in the room, but truly, they were for herself. She had desperately wanted this man to be a savior she could place false hope in and cling to like a lifeline, but now that it was revealed he was the heartless wonder she desperately wanted to hate, she was lost. Every fiber in her being was rooted still while the crowd continued to listen. 

It could’ve been five minutes, thirty minutes, or an hour and Rey wouldn’t know the difference. Her smallest mercy was that he hadn’t seemed to notice her in the crowd. 

Yet. 

It wasn’t until the very last song in the set that they locked eyes. Kylo— no, Ben— had been singing one of her favorites. 

_If I knew everything  
I couldn’t be hurt by anything  
But with you it feels like  
I know nothing_

He opened his eyes to extend the last few notes, the acoustic melody fading away, and to immediately lock eyes with Rey. The music never faltered, but his face did. The slight widening of his eyes, the shallow rise and fall of his chest, all led to mirroring Rey’s own expression of pure shock. Ben quickly schooled his expression though, just as the roaring of the crowd finally returned to her ears. 

Rey decided to break eye contact first and leaned over to Rose, “I’ll meet you at the bathroom!” She didn’t wait for a verbal confirmation before leaving, missing the way that Ben’s eyes followed her every move towards the exit. 

* * * * *

“So word on the street is that the band hangs out back for about an hour after their show, and if you’re cool, like not fan-girling all over them, they’ll let you stay.”

“I don’t know Rose, won’t they be like— packing up their gear and stuff? I don’t want to be in the way…”

“What? Are you kidding? ‘In the way’ is exactly where I want to be.” Rose scoffed and slid an arm through Rey’s, successfully pulling her out of the venue and around the lot. “Come on, don’t be a chicken.”

The first person she saw as she rounded the corner was the bass player, taking a long pull from her cigarette and watching the smoke fade into the night sky. The keyboardist was behind her barking orders at the crew packing the drum set. Based on the expletives spewing from his mouth, they weren’t doing it correctly. 

Who knew such a timid and tiny looking man could be so intimidating. 

Rey thanked her lucky stars that Ben was nowhere in sight, thinking that maybe she could convince her best friend that this was a waste of time and that they were clearly bus—

“Well hello there, I’m Armitage.” 

The fiery redhead had made his way over to them and extended his hand to Rose, bringing them together towards his lips for a kiss. “And you are?”

“Hi!” She squeaked, “I- I’m Rose, and this is my friend, Rey.”

“It’s lovely to meet you Rose and Re— Wait, you said your name was Rey?” He had been staring at Rose rather intently, but the second she nodded her head, his eyes snapped up. “Holy shit, _you’re_ Rey.” 

It was as if Ben appeared out of thin air. Or maybe he’d been there all along, lurking behind them. “Hux.”

“Shut up, Ren.” The two shared a pointed look before moving back to Rey. “After all this time, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I must say, the songs don’t—”

“HUX. STOP—”

“— do you justice. You look far too innocent and—”

“Oh, for the love of God.”

“—sweet. I mean really, what on Earth did you do to my poor mate over here?”

Uhm.

Oh. 

Oh. 

He’d been writing about _her_. Singing about _her_.

The tips of Ben’s ears were poking out of his hair, and Rey could see that they were flaming red… Not too different from her own cheeks, of course. The slow, tortuous creep of humiliation was setting in, no doubt brought on by Ben’s obvious disdain for her knowing one of his darkest secrets. 

“What’s— Do you two know each other?”

A single tear fell before Rey realized she was crying. And she tried. She really tried to catch it, but more were coming in behind it and there was nothing more to be done.

“Uhm,” her voice was thick and shaky, “Rose, this is my coworker, Ben. Ben Solo”

The realization dawning on Rose would have been hilarious in any other circumstance but this one, because now everyone was looking down at their feet instead of addressing the giant elephant in the room. 

“Well, uhm... Rose is it? Why don’t we give these two a chance to talk?” Hux held out an arm for Rose to follow, then placed that hand against her lower back. 

They’d be talking about _that_ later.

Ben cleared his throat, nodded his head towards the side of the lot, suddenly too shy to look her in the eye. Once they moved past the other band members and stage crew, who were all looking on with a bit of curiosity, they awkwardly shuffled to a secluded corner of the loading dock. 

It was clear that they were waiting for the other person to speak first, and though she did not want to go first, she heard herself speaking.

“The leather jacket is nice.” She lifted a hand to touch it, but brought it back down to her sides before she could do something silly like caress his ridiculously wide chest. “It’s quite different from your usual getup.. You know, the suits and ties…”

He simply nodded his head and kicked a lone pebble on the ground. 

This was beginning to feel like the punishments at work. The frown lines in his forehead, the left eye twitch, the biting of his plush, bottom lip… If he didn’t fire her, there would at least be some sort of weird, bone-chilling punishment for showing up here. Surely. And her mental health really couldn’t take any more of that. 

Which is why she suddenly felt the need to word vomit. 

“Ben, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know! I won’t mention this to anyone, and you don’t have to worry about my roommate, she’s a die hard fan so she wouldn’t say anything either. She’s quite literally obsessed with you. Well, I’m not so sure now that she knows who you are—”

“Rey—“

“— because I have to be honest, I vent about you to her. A lot, actually... But then again I’m not sorry because I’m still not entirely sure what I ever did to you! And come to find out, you’re using my pathetic and lonely—“

“Rey.”

“— existence as song writing material, while all I’ve ever wanted was for you to like me and treat me like a normal per—“

Two warm hands took hold of her face, and a pair of soft, moist lips connected with hers. It was heaven. Nirvana. An ice cream cone on a hot day. A brand new, plushy robe. The one meal she would, without a doubt, gorge herself on until the end of time. It was sinful and pure all at once, and so pleasurable that she whimpered. 

She _actually_ whimpered into the mouth of, whom she used to think was, the devil. 

Her fingers found their way into his hair, just as his hands tangled into hers. Both of them clinging to each other with eyes closed, hearts pounding, and warm breaths against each other's cheeks. His solid strength cradling her, surrounding her, like a small bird in a protective cage. Her possessive grip pulling him closer, pushing him further, like a source of water in the desert. 

When she brushed her hips against his, he quietly growled and twisted her tendrils a little tighter, effectively ceasing all rationality.

 _‘This man kinda hates you, but also owes you an explanation because he might be in love with you. Also also, he’s kinda your superior!’_ , Rey thought.

One by one, she extracted her hands from him and took lingering steps away. 

The subtle brush of his hand sliding down her exposed arm did nothing to settle the goosebumps raised from her skin. Ben quietly mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

“Wh- What?”

“I didn’t mean to do that. I didn’t— I’m not trying to take advantage of you.” If Rey would guess, _or simply just take a peek downwards_ , she could confirm that the hardness she felt against her belly wasn’t just Ben Solo’s belt buckle or the rigid plains of his abs. The thought alone made her knees quake a little. 

Or maybe a lot. 

She had to shift from one hip to the other for him not to notice, and to disguise the slight way she rubbed her thighs together, desperate to keep her traitorous body at bay. 

Before she could embarrass herself any further, Ben settled his shoulders, glancing around as if someone might have seen them. Then, he took one last look at Rey, absorbing her flushed cheeks, tangled hair, and tightly clasped legs, and bolted. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go.” 

She faintly remembers Rose coming up to her not long after. Murmuring things like, _”Rey, let’s go out of here,”_ and _“We’ll talk about it when you’re ready.”_

It wasn’t until her keys landed on the kitchen counter half an hour later that she began to return to her body, finally admitting that Ben Solo had given her the greatest kiss of her life. 

And then promptly left her behind.

* * * * *

Across town, Ben sank to his knees on the hardwood floors of his penthouse apartment. The broken glass of a whiskey tumbler littered the space around him. He didn’t have to go. He wanted to stay. 

To stay for her. 

But he couldn’t.


	3. What's the Worst That Can Happen?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What if he’s concocted this version of me in his head that I’ll never be able to live up to? What if I let him in and he’s disappointed? What if- what if he leaves too?”
> 
> “Oh, Rey…” And with a piercing stare that only Rose could give, she said, “Maybe the reason Ben never told you is because he’s asking himself the same thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read thus far, you are giving me liffffffeee!!
> 
> Don't forget to let me know what you think in the comments below. :)

The harsh light from her bedroom window filtered in behind Rey’s eyelids. Her head was pounding. Her throat was scratchy. Her eyes were crusty and blurry.

_”It’s like I told you last night— No, I know what I said— She wasn’t ready to talk about it and I’m not going to push her.”_

Rose?

_”Will you just hurry up and get here already? She needs us. She needs you.”_

She didn’t have it in her to ask who was on the other end of that phone call, but the familiarity in Rose’s voice suggested it was Finn. Maybe Poe. _Who cares._

* * * * * 

Heavy. Yeah, that was it— heavy. Something heavy and warm. 

And right on top of her. 

Rey wiggled closer to the light coming from the crack in her duvet, while the weight on top of her shifted to roll over on one side. Her head breached the covers, and was met with excited panting and licking.

“BB! No!”

As her eyes adjusted to the light, and BB was removed from suffocating her further, more of her surroundings came into focus. In the corner of her bedroom was Poe, curled up in her refurbished sofa chair, dead to the world. Finn was moving toward the door, desperately trying to remove the 60 pound, golden retriever from crushing any other unsuspecting victims. 

While he was distracted, Rey slipped out of the bed and into the bathroom. 

She was greeted by a face she had long forgotten. With a shaking finger, she traced the scar on her cheek— a little nick she had gotten from her foster brother for stealing some of his snacks. From her cheek, she moved to her rough, chapped lips and down to her collarbone. _Ugly girl._ She began to wonder if Ben would like her as much up close. Would he be alright with her muscular shoulders and small boobs? _Too thin._ Would he think the fat around her hips was disproportionate to the bone of her ribs? Did he wish she was shorter, like Rose maybe? _Unshapely._

A soft knock had her pulling her hand away to reach for the hairbrush. 

“Peanut, are you- do you need anything?” Through the door, she could hear Poe, Finn, and Rose talking in hushed tones. 

“I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you sure you’re not hungry or anything? I can make us some tea.”

“Maybe in a minute. I’m just going to grab a quick shower.” Rey turned away from the mirror and started the water before they could ask anymore questions. She loved her friends, truly, but if she was being honest with herself, she wasn’t always comfortable being cared for.

An hour later Rose, Finn, and Poe were spread out over the common area with boxes of every kind of takeout littered around the room. Dim sum seemed to be the focal point, sitting on top of the coffee table. A giant, pepperoni pizza was open and propped up by the tv on the credenza. Rose had a full pot of pho in her lap, happily slurping her rice noodles, while Finn and Poe were digging into some messy hot wings. 

“Peanut! You’re up!” Finn hurriedly wiped his hands off to crush her to his chest. “I’ve been so worried. What happened? You’ve been asleep since you got home Friday night.”

“Rose didn’t tell you?” They all turned their heads toward her roommate, but she could only give them a simple shoulder shrug. 

“I told them you would talk about it when you were ready. It’s just- You two work together, Rey. It’s your story to tell.”

Poe was clearly out of the loop, looking back and forth between the two, waiting for someone to fill him in. “Who works with Rey? What are we talking about here?”

“Let me fix a plate first. I’m starved.” All eyes were on her as she made little pit stops at every takeout corner. They didn’t stop staring until long after she had taken a break from eating. 

“So, uhm, you know how Rose and I went to a concert last night- well, Friday night?” They both nodded. “Kylo Ren was performing. _The_ Kylo Ren... Who also happens to be Ben Solo. Senior Editor at Rebel Alliance.”

Finn had the natural reaction, gasping, but Poe was looking at her like there was still a punchline coming. “I’m confused, I thought that was common knowledge. That’s why he left early on Friday.”

“YOU KNEW?!” Rose leapt over the coffee table to grab Poe by the collar of his button up. “This whole time you knew exactly who Kylo Ren was, and you didn’t tell me?!”

“Like I said, I thought it was common knowledge! Can you unhand me now?”

“Wait— You said he left early because of the show?”

“Yeah, that’s why he leaves early on most weekends. He sends out a memo to Ben, Leia and myself, and then comes in on Sundays to catch up on any missed work.” _Oh._ This whole time Rey had assumed it was because of her and her long presentations. She mentally added that to the list of things she thought she knew about him, causing her face to scrunch up in Poe’s direction. “You didn’t think it was because of you, did you?”

Something must have passed across her expression because he softened immediately. 

“Rey, I can assure you that nothing you’ve ever done has caused him to walk out of your pitches. We all know how talented you are, and even though Ben doesn’t really show it that well, he’s had nothing but good things to say about you.”

“Doesn’t show it _that well?_ He doesn’t show it all!” Two nights and a day of restless sleep were catching up to her. Every time she thought about it, her head throbbed and her eyes burned with the potential for more tears. “I thought he hated me, and then I show up there and find out he’s been writing love songs about me!”

“Oh shit, _that_ I didn’t know… I’m so sorry peanut.”

Rose and Finn surrounded her, setting her plate aside and pulling her into their arms. She thought she had cried enough already, but it seemed she had a few more tears to shed. 

“I just feel so embarrassed and- and confused.” She reached over to grab a throw pillow from the couch.

“Can I ask you something?” Finn was giving her the _look._ The brotherly one that usually meant a groundbreaking realization was coming, and she wasn’t ready for it. Rey hugged the pillow a little tighter to her chest and managed a weak nod. “I don’t want to discount the fact that Ben owes you an apology, because he totally does, but… if you want this- if you want _him_ , what’s the worst that can happen?”

A comfortable, but somber silence fell over their little group while Rey contemplated what her biggest fears were. Truthfully, she never knew what it felt like to be wanted like this— to be wanted without anything in return, and it terrified her.

“What if he’s concocted this version of me in his head that I’ll never be able to live up to? What if I let him in and he’s disappointed? What if- what if he leaves too?”

“Oh, Rey…” And with a piercing stare that only Rose could give, she said, “Maybe the reason Ben never told you is because he’s asking himself the same thing.”

* * * * *

The first thing she did on Monday morning was storm through his office door, only to find it unoccupied and… unorganized? There was a lone cardboard box sitting on his desk with a few others scattered at the base of his bookshelves. 

She heard a sharp intake of breath behind her. 

“Rey,” It shouldn’t have sounded as intimate as it did, but after months of radio silence and overly polite conversations, it sounded oddly sweet, and buttery. “What are you doing here?”

There was a small whisper of hope telling her that he had come for her— but no, that couldn’t be right because she had stormed into his office. Not hers. 

“Are you going somewhere?” She gestured to the boxes around the room.

“I put in my resignation this morning.” A heavy stone sank to the bottom of her stomach. He closed the door behind himself, and casually walked to the other side of his desk to continue packing. “I’ll be gone before the end of the day.”

“Gone? What— Why are you leaving?”

He continued packing, but he did not answer her. 

“Ben, I don’t understand what’s happening. You’ve been nothing but cold and distant, then I come to find out you’ve been writing these songs about me— songs that have been there when no one else was, songs that are so beautiful they break my—“ She looked down at her blouse to see wet droplets penetrating the material. She didn’t even realize she had started crying until she felt the words choking her. “And then you- you kissed me.”

More silence. 

“Answer me! Why are you leaving?”

“Because I can’t see you anymore!” His hands furiously tugged at the ends of his hair, and for the first time Rey noticed how unkempt he looked. His eyes were bloodshot. His shirt wasn’t pressed and his hair was styled with grease, not his usual pomade. 

“Right, so it’s my fault you’re quitting your job?”

“Fuck, Rey— _No._ That’s not it.” He had the gall to look annoyed. 

The simmering of her blood reached a full boil. “You think _you’re_ the one who’s been punished? You think you’re the only one who has suffered this entire time? Ben, you made me feel like garbage! It’s like you’ve been counting down the minutes until I gave up and quit, for Christ’s sake! You- you ignored me. You belittled me. You made me feel like my— “ 

“Like what?” he snapped. “Go ahead, say it! Everyone else does. Tell me I’m a monster.”

“Like my parents did!” His posture deflated, but it only angered her more. “They threw me away like garbage instead of just dealing with their shit, and I REFUSE to let you do the same to me! You’ve shut me out for _months_ , and now you what? You think you have a right to say you’re in love with me?”

The sheepish uptick of his eyes made Rey’s heart stop. 

As a survivor, she could recognize the destructive behaviors better than anyone. He was simply putting up walls to protect himself, and it just so happened to be at the expense of his relationship with Rey. In her mind though, _He was being a bloody idiot, not self-preserving._

“If you feel this way, why do you think leaving is the best thing for the both of us? Do I not get a say in what happens next?”

“Enough Rey—” He held up a hand in defense, but there was no turning back. The insecurities of her past were rearing their ugly head and she needed answers. 

“NO! You do not get to leave me and then tell me how I feel.” She all but spat the last few words at him. “You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson by now. Everyone leaves because I’m nothing. But you— you are a coward, Ben Solo.” 

Through her tears she saw him flinch. Rey was wrong to think this conversation would feel satisfying. Every day they worked together was a slow, silent torture and now that it was coming to an end, it felt like neither of them were getting justice.

Ben had his legs parted as he leaned into the edge of his desk, fingers holding on like a lifeline. His head was down and his shoulders were heavy, the weight of Rey’s words sinking in. 

There was no way that Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa-Solo, was anything more than her editor… right? Or could he be? Could he be the Kylo Ren she desperately wanted, or will she always be haunted by Ben Solo’s neglect? 

“You’re right, Rey.” His head was still bowed. “I am a coward... and an asshole. But you’re not nothing. Not to me.”

“Ben—“ What she wanted was to say his name like a prayer, whispering it reverently and holy, like at the end of the word she’d be granted her greatest hope. But what she got was fuzzy and confusing. 

“I resigned this morning because I do not deserve my position. You do. I’ve been so horrible to you in order to protect my own feelings I didn’t realize that my attempts to keep us separated would eventually be our undoing. I’m sorry. I know that I am undeserving of your forgiveness.”

His eyes finally raised to meet hers. They weren’t as cold and unfeeling as she was used to, but definitely not swimming with joy either. 

“And I’m really sorry that you had to find out this way. Believe me, it was _not_ my intention. I- I kept this part of my life— this really important piece of myself— away from you because I’ve broken a lot of things in my life, Rey. Relationships more than anything. And I figured it was easier to never have it, than to have it and break it beyond repair.”

And there it was— a tiny sliver of hope. A glimpse of a man who had broken past his pride to tell Rey the truth. He was now an honest man. A loving man. A possessive man. And to be so loved by him, to feel so seen, she was certain she would do anything to feel his lips on hers again. 

He could keep the job. He could keep his songs. He could bury her under the heat of his gaze for the rest of time and she would willingly suffocate simply to know what it’s like to be loved by Ben Solo. 

She made up her mind. 

“Kiss me. Again.” 

The hands that had been holding him upright against his desk were suddenly pushing him up to his full height. He took two large strides in her direction before realizing how eager he must have seemed. It was… endearing. But then he curled in on himself, pulling his outstretched hand back to his side. 

“You don’t mean that.” _Fucking hell._

“I do, Ben. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a lot to talk about— because I’m not entirely sure I can trust that you won’t shut me out again.” She took a step closer and noticed that his pupils had darkened. “But I want you, and right now, I really want you to kiss me… again.”

Ben stood to his full height, staring at her with such intensity she wasn’t sure if he was going to kiss her or eat her. Maybe both. He didn’t give her much time to think about it. 

He pounced.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi reader!
> 
> Finally facing my fears and putting my writing out there for the world to see. I don't have posting schedule set just yet, but the chapters will get longer and juicier as we go ;) Thank you for reading!


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